The grieving process

For many of us, the ‘festive season’ is anything but festive as it reminds us of loved ones lost, or of easier, healthier times. Clinical psychologist Marc Lipshitz has written three blog posts that will help you through the grieving process. This is the second.

grief1

Grieving is an active process that the griever needs to engage with. It does not passively happen to you but requires hard work and effort. Grief involves choices in coping because we can also choose not to grieve.

Think of a past or current loss that you have not fully grieved. What was or is the reason for this? See if the list below resonates:

  • Fear of having to deal with prior losses (as current losses trigger previous losses)

 

  • Fear of the unknown and change (especially if this is your first significant loss)

 

  • Having other commitments or being too busy(as a result lacking the time)

 

  • Being overly medicated (psychiatric medication can numb/dull feelings if the dosage is too high)

 

  • Fear of going crazy, losing control or becoming depressed (as a result fear of being trapped in a depression)

 

  • Experiencing too many losses at once (this is referred to as bereavement overload)

 

  • Lacking the right support (support availability is not the same as support satisfaction- I can have lots of people around me but not one person that I can turn to)

 

  • Already being disconnected from your feelings at the time of the loss (in other words I arrive disconnected)

 

  • Having difficulty tolerating strong emotions (thus soothing feelings with substances or food and never feeling the feelings)

 

  • Believing it was not culturally acceptable to mourn the loss (especially if there was stigma around the death, for example, HIV/Aids or suicide)

Grieving is a non-linear process that occurs cyclically with no specific end point. It involves alternating periods of intensification and subsiding of symptoms. Symptoms may return for years after the loss. The grieving process is highly personal and individualistic involving progress and setbacks- four steps forwards and three steps backwards.

One benchmark of grief that has been processed, and worked through is when the person is able to think of the deceased without pain. There is always a sense of sadness but it is a different kind of sadness- it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had. The griever is able to stay connected to the deceased by redefining the relationship whilst reinvesting his or her emotions into life and in living…

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Grieving mindfully

For many of us, the ‘festive season’ is anything but festive as it reminds us of loved ones lost, or of easier, healthier times. Clinical psychologist Marc Lipshitz has written three blog posts that will help you through the grieving process. This is the first.

grief

Grief is a personal journey never the same for any two people, and as unique as your life and your relationships.

Grief may be the experience of continuing to love someone after they die, of longing for a loved one’s presence, and yet knowing that is no longer available. However, grief is not limited to loss through death. Every time you lose a relationship or are faced with uncertainty, you grieve the loss of a predictable and safe world. You experience grief when you move to a new town, lose a job, or go through a divorce. You experience grief when you are diagnosed with a life-changing illness, or when you are separated from a loved one by circumstance. You experience grief when you experience any change in your relationship with yourself or to the world.

Paradoxically, it is often when you try to resist the intense emotions of grief that they linger, and even hurt more deeply when they inevitably surface. Grieving is the process of using your emotional vulnerability not to suffer greater distress, or to intensify your pain but to redirect this pain toward your growth as a human being.

Engaging in this process begins when you come in full contact with yourself and learn to ride the waves of grief. Your thoughts, your feelings, your identity during a life-threatening illness or after loss of a loved one all become vehicles for your own evolution.

Grieving can be understood as making the decision to allow yourself to mourn, and to fully experience the lessons of grief with the goal of living life better. The terrible emotional pain of grief tends to have a life and process of its own. Allowing the process to unfold does not remove all distress but it can soften the sharp edge of pain. To allow the process means to allow yourself to feel and experience each day on its own terms; we cannot assume that we know what tomorrow will bring.

As you are experiencing this process, you will feel that very natural pull to escape or numb yourself from the pain. However, by being aware of grief rather than ignoring or denying it, and by working to understand what drives this pain, you can release yourself into the person you are and the person you want to be. In other words, you can move closer to the people in your life who matter the most, and begin to change habits or beliefs that have been keeping you from living fully.

Just as love depends on the courage to share yourself with another person, grieving depends on the courage to accept your own feelings.

We have a tendency to associate grief and distress with something being wrong. Loss and grief is a part of life. It will happen no matter what we do. If we view grief as a problem, we will think of one of the most natural parts of life, and love, as a pathology or “disorder.” But grief has always been part of the order of things, and it always will be.