For many of us, the ‘festive season’ is anything but festive as it reminds us of loved ones lost, or of easier, healthier times. Clinical psychologist Marc Lipshitz has written three blog posts that will help you through the grieving process. This is the second.
Grieving is an active process that the griever needs to engage with. It does not passively happen to you but requires hard work and effort. Grief involves choices in coping because we can also choose not to grieve.
Think of a past or current loss that you have not fully grieved. What was or is the reason for this? See if the list below resonates:
- Fear of having to deal with prior losses (as current losses trigger previous losses)
- Fear of the unknown and change (especially if this is your first significant loss)
- Having other commitments or being too busy(as a result lacking the time)
- Being overly medicated (psychiatric medication can numb/dull feelings if the dosage is too high)
- Fear of going crazy, losing control or becoming depressed (as a result fear of being trapped in a depression)
- Experiencing too many losses at once (this is referred to as bereavement overload)
- Lacking the right support (support availability is not the same as support satisfaction- I can have lots of people around me but not one person that I can turn to)
- Already being disconnected from your feelings at the time of the loss (in other words I arrive disconnected)
- Having difficulty tolerating strong emotions (thus soothing feelings with substances or food and never feeling the feelings)
- Believing it was not culturally acceptable to mourn the loss (especially if there was stigma around the death, for example, HIV/Aids or suicide)
Grieving is a non-linear process that occurs cyclically with no specific end point. It involves alternating periods of intensification and subsiding of symptoms. Symptoms may return for years after the loss. The grieving process is highly personal and individualistic involving progress and setbacks- four steps forwards and three steps backwards.
One benchmark of grief that has been processed, and worked through is when the person is able to think of the deceased without pain. There is always a sense of sadness but it is a different kind of sadness- it lacks the wrenching quality it previously had. The griever is able to stay connected to the deceased by redefining the relationship whilst reinvesting his or her emotions into life and in living…