For many of us, the ‘festive season’ is anything but festive as it reminds us of loved ones lost, or of easier, healthier times. Clinical psychologist Marc Lipshitz has written three blog posts that will help you through the grieving process. This is the first.
Grief is a personal journey never the same for any two people, and as unique as your life and your relationships.
Grief may be the experience of continuing to love someone after they die, of longing for a loved one’s presence, and yet knowing that is no longer available. However, grief is not limited to loss through death. Every time you lose a relationship or are faced with uncertainty, you grieve the loss of a predictable and safe world. You experience grief when you move to a new town, lose a job, or go through a divorce. You experience grief when you are diagnosed with a life-changing illness, or when you are separated from a loved one by circumstance. You experience grief when you experience any change in your relationship with yourself or to the world.
Paradoxically, it is often when you try to resist the intense emotions of grief that they linger, and even hurt more deeply when they inevitably surface. Grieving is the process of using your emotional vulnerability not to suffer greater distress, or to intensify your pain but to redirect this pain toward your growth as a human being.
Engaging in this process begins when you come in full contact with yourself and learn to ride the waves of grief. Your thoughts, your feelings, your identity during a life-threatening illness or after loss of a loved one all become vehicles for your own evolution.
Grieving can be understood as making the decision to allow yourself to mourn, and to fully experience the lessons of grief with the goal of living life better. The terrible emotional pain of grief tends to have a life and process of its own. Allowing the process to unfold does not remove all distress but it can soften the sharp edge of pain. To allow the process means to allow yourself to feel and experience each day on its own terms; we cannot assume that we know what tomorrow will bring.
As you are experiencing this process, you will feel that very natural pull to escape or numb yourself from the pain. However, by being aware of grief rather than ignoring or denying it, and by working to understand what drives this pain, you can release yourself into the person you are and the person you want to be. In other words, you can move closer to the people in your life who matter the most, and begin to change habits or beliefs that have been keeping you from living fully.
Just as love depends on the courage to share yourself with another person, grieving depends on the courage to accept your own feelings.
We have a tendency to associate grief and distress with something being wrong. Loss and grief is a part of life. It will happen no matter what we do. If we view grief as a problem, we will think of one of the most natural parts of life, and love, as a pathology or “disorder.” But grief has always been part of the order of things, and it always will be.